Sexuality is a vexed topic for many.  Encompassing a range of issues such as identity, belonging, and sensuality, it is as much about who we are as what we do.

Whether you view sexuality through a religious, moral or evolutionary perspective, it would be difficult to think of any more heavily regulated or socially controlled aspect of humanity.  Sexual expression varies widely in different cultures.  In some cultures, sexual activity and expression is actively encouraged, others define the “terms of engagement” as being within a “committed relationship” (whether this means the same thing to different people is an interesting point to ponder), whilst in other cultures, limited polygamy is accepted as the norm.

Whatever the perspective, human beings are naturally inquisitive, explorers and learners.  In western cultures the pressure to control these aspects of humanity have been intense.  The freedom that younger generations now expect meets with the strongest disapproval of many because the links between sexuality and permanent “pairing off” has been significantly undermined.  One has to ask why this is such a taboo.

If viewed from a religious or moral perspective the answer is apparent.  These frameworks are based on a clear framework of “right” or “wrong” with arguments that they relate to the greater social good.  However dearly held these beliefs are, they are still a relative view of human experience.  Moralists and theologians either deny or condemn natural human curiosity and experience when it leads to activity (or even thoughts!) outside their particular framework.  They will at times even call on the principles of survival of the species to support their case.  For example,  “It’s unnatural! It undermines the social survival of humanity!”

However, if calling on the principles of survival to justify a position, one needs to take a more holistic view of evolution in both a biological and social sense.  In evolutionary terms, humans have evolved to meet the demands of their environment, including the social environment.  Humans bring with them a range of personal and sexual dispositions, which presumably have some purpose in terms of survival of the species.  It is naïve to think that sexuality is an “optional extra” that can be turned on or off at will.

There is all kinds of data to show that very large percentages of men and women have extra-marital sexual experience.  Why?  There is evidence to show that sex and sexuality dominates the thinking of the vast majority of humans, male and female.  The stereotype of the sex-obsessed male is currently under question, as research shows women are active in their “thought - life” when it comes to sex.

So, what does this mean in modern society?  For a start, sex is both universal and intensely personal.  Every individual will express their sexuality in the context of their beliefs, values and experience.  For some, the constraints of traditional views and social pressures create an environment in which their expression is severely stifled.  Even the traditionalists struggle.  How many times will we read and hear about the “pillars” of society and religion succumbing to their so-called darker urges?  Lighten up.  This is part of being human.

The idea of sexual expression being focussed on one other person is in itself a huge burden on human expression.  We give a high degree of importance to overt sexual communication.  However, we do not give the same importance to other forms of non-verbal communication. 

Why is massage acceptable, even though very pleasurable?  Why do we not gnash our teeth when medical service providers make intimate contact with our person?  We do not go home from the doctor to apologise to our partner for being unfaithful! The reason is that we do not ascribe emotional significance to touching of this sort.  By deduction, we do not need to ascribe this level of importance to sexual touching either.

Masturbation is no longer the taboo it once was.  Again, there is an increased understanding that this is a critical part of human development and experience.

It must be made clear that any form of tactile communication, especially sexual, must be consensual and respectful.  Overt sexual communication however, does not mean that we cannot value, love and want to be with others. 

Increasingly, there is a move toward alternate sexual expression.  Swinger lifestyles are no longer “skeletons in the cupboard” for many people, unless they condemn themselves for this lifestyle.  Research again shows that many couples derive high levels of joy and bonding from sharing their sexual experiences more broadly.  Men and women report high levels of sexual excitement at seeing their partners openly receiving sexual pleasure from others and do not assume that this means the partners love for them is in any way reduced.  Secrecy and guilt are the cancer that rots the soul.

Long established couples often come to the point where their sexual lives are repetitive and unfulfilling.  Clearly, the challenge is to change or to let that part of their lives (and souls) die.  Sadly, many choose to let their sexual relationship fade away to oblivion.  Research amongst the aged shows that the longing never dies.  Failure to maintain sexual communication is to deny your humanity and worth.

It is educative to observe the nature of pornography.  Almost by definition, it is focussed on the taboo.  Sex between old men and young girls (or vice versa), lolitas, gangbangs, domination, gay sex, lesbian sex, group sex, bride sex and gangbangs with the bridal party, “housewife sluts” and “MILFS” (mothers I’d like to f*ck), horny nuns and priests, indiscriminate sex, college sex, anonymous sex (e.g. glory holes, stranger sex, f*cking the plumber/police officer etc), boss and secretary sex…You name it, no taboo is left unexplored in pornography.  The market for pornography is a society where the freedom to express oneself sexually with consenting partners is denied.

This article is not encouraging you to change your sexual behaviour, but does encourage you to think about how you can express your sexuality in a way that acknowledges your values, desires and individuality.  What would be your response if your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend suggested group sex?  Or a gangbang?  Or a threesome? 

Will you condemn them as a deviant?  Or will you acknowledge their right to sexual expression?  You may decide not to take up such suggestions because that is your right.  But appreciate open, honest and respectful communication in whatever form it comes and respond in kind.