Marriage and misery - a toxic combination indeed.  Preserving a troubled marriage that still has potential is a correct and sensible course of action.  However, very few self help guides address the issue of leaving a terminal relationship with dignity and hope intact.  This article provides some basic advice on the topic.

Let’s start with the assumption that you have reached the point of no return in your relationship.  You have already considered counselling, spicing up the relationship, or whatever other “magic” cure is usually applied to relationships in trouble.  He’s a good person, she’s a good person, you’re a good person…but the relationship is dead.  You have reached the point where neither open hostility nor passive co-habitation is an option.  Neither of these is how to live!  Staying together “for the children”, the finances, the familiarity of routine is not inspiration to live a full life.

When leaving a long-term relationship, you will think about the history of the relationship and the loss that you face.  However, creating the future that you want is where your focus should be.  Friends, families and colleagues may apply pressure of all kinds to varying degrees, but they have no responsibility or right to make your decisions.

What are your rights and obligations?

Partners

Your greatest obligation is to be honest with your partner.  Honest about your feelings, without being vindictive or blaming.  This is as much for your mental health as it is for your partners benefit.  You will take “baggage” with you when you go.  Don’t let guilt, under-handedness and malice be part of that baggage.

In fairness to your partner, if you know that the relationship is over; let them start to get on with the next phase in their life too, even if they are unwilling to face that prospect initially.  Ideally, you should make your intentions clear, giving your partner time to make immediate adjustments.  In reality, this also creates a risk in that forewarned is forearmed and an angry partner may exploit this honesty to your harm.  You will need to asses this risk in the context of what you know of your partner.

Face up to your contribution to the break down of the relationship.  For example, if you have been cheating, acknowledge that this was a breach of trust and unfair to your partner.  Don’t attempt to justify wrong behaviour.  Conversely, do not let guilt allow you to waste both your partner’s future and yours.

Familial

Having brought children into the world as part of a long term relationship adds a high degree of complexity to leaving the relationship.  Adults are often tempted to use children as part of their armoury in ensuing battles.  Simply put, do not do this.  It is in the nature of children to blame themselves in any case, for family problems.  They cannot apply an adult rationale to what is happening.

Children need to be nurtured and re-assured, especially at a time like this.  If you are a non-residential parent, you have an obligation to maintain a positive line of communication with your children.

However, break-ups affect families at a much broader level.  Parents, siblings and in-laws are all affected.  It changes the dynamics irreversibly and creates divisions along “partisan” lines.  Be aware that leaving a relationship usually means leaving half of an extended family behind.  Of course, this is not always felt to be such a loss.

Financial

The law, in most jurisdictions, will apply consistent principles in relation to assets and property.  By all means, negotiate a settlement that you consider fair to all parties, within the provisions of the law.

However, before embarking on an “asset stripping” crusade, think about the long ter

m consequences on those relationships you do want to preserve (e.g. with your children).  Think about how your approach to the finances reflects your character.  Is this the way you want to be seen and remembered?  So many couples wear themselves out in the process of negotiation and end up losing through the legal costs anyway.

Self

How are you meeting your obligations to yourself in terms of physical and mental health wellbeing?  At a time of crisis it is so easy to forget to look after ourselves.  Poor eating, abuse of legal and illegal substances, poor sleeping patterns and depression are all too common.  You have one life.  Don’t waste another moment of it through neglect or abuse of yourself.

Try and establish and maintain relationships that are strengthening for you.  This may be with existing friendships through your social or work environments.  Even throughout an acrimonious break-up, not everyone is against you!

Planning

It may seem odd to leave planning as the last point to be addressed in this article. In reality it is the first part of the process.  However, the rationale for addressing other issues first is so that we don’t lose sight of the human dynamics in traumatic circumstances.

Many, if not most, break-ups become hostile.  It is almost impossible for both partners to face the change with equanimity.  This hostility may express itself in all kinds of destructive ways.  Your planning should consider ways in which you can minimise harm to yourself.  Make a checklist for yourself, if that is useful, and think about:

• Ensuring your partner does not continue to have access to bank account usernames and passwords.
• Identifying important mementos and belongings so that they can be gathered together quickly and with a minimum of fuss.
• Ensure your email is secure, and important computer files are preserved
• Have a safe place to go.
• Identify friends you can count on after the separation.
• Speaking confidentially with your Manager at work if you think harassment is a possibility.  Devise a strategy to deal with this early.  Doing so will help to keep colleagues and your work place “on side” even if things get “ugly”.
• Closing down credit cards in your name and shared accounts as soon as the separation is out in the open.  Many individuals have borne enormous debt as a result of overlooking this practicality.
• Aspects of your life and behaviour that would be an embarrassment to you if made public.  Most of us could think of things we would rather not have in the public arena, even if there is nothing intrinsically wrong about the matter.  We all have private lives, thoughts, feelings and behaviours.  Who better to expose and exploit these than an angry “ex”?  It may be useful to speak to a counsellor early and to identify possible responses to unwanted exposure.

After the event

Remember, the reason you left your relationship was to live a better life.  You have faced the pain, now chase the gain.  Don’t squander the opportunity with depression, self doubt, anger or malice.  This is an opportunity for a fresh start.  You have one life, so LIVE IT!